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December 11, 2009

Good Morning Internet, a special shout out to the few who accidentally curiously happen upon my blog.

Today I was quite proud of myself (more so than other days) because I realized that my quickness and agility is comparable to Superman…dare I say SUPERWOMAN! It takes practice, I’m not gonna lie, but once seasoned, benefits are reaped. I’m speaking about my lightening fast ability to get ready in the morning. My mornings go like this…

Alarm-7:10am (arbitrary time, and probably one most people consider sleeping in…but i won’t name names KATH ((I love you Kath, if I’m so lucky you read this, don’t be offended dear blog goddess))

Shut off Alarm-7:10am + 1 second Notice my fast-ness

Back to Sleep-7:10am + 2 seconds Do NOT waste time folks, every second counts

Dream-7:10am + 3 seconds Mathew and Brad…and we’re back…

Wake Abruptly-8:00am Panic and fear about your 8:30am start time help quicken your pace

Throw (literally) covers off + snap on light-8:02am Getting air while leaping from bed helps cover distance

Oatmeal Breakfast Prep-8:03am You can still enjoy ‘slow cooked food’ in your morning marathon. I use rolled oats-no thanks instant, you suck. It also helps if you can make your tired (but delicious) combination of oatmeal with your eyes closed (mine, still from sleep), while shivering uncontrollably (the heat hasn’t kicked in yet) and having to pee (this can happen later while the oatmeal is cooking in the microwave).

Pee-8:04am-Pee (enough said)

Hair/Makeup-8:05am It helps if you’re gorgeous already like me my blog readers. Face wash, face cream, concealer (you better believe I love this baby), swipes of mascara (ensure in your haste you don’t poke your eye out and smear waterproof mascare across your entire face…no that I’d know…), finish with a few swipes of blush. It doesn’t have to be perfect people, the computer screen sees my face more than anything human all day.

Stir-8:07am Vital, you must RUN to the microwave where your oatmeal is cooking to ensure it is not overflowing and gummifying your entire microwave. Snap (use muscle here) open the microwave with lightening force where you’ll endure the burn of boiling oatmeal as you stir. Stir your heart out sisters! Place bowl back in microwave and nuke that baby even longer.

Dress-8:08am Dress, don’t forget this step. I workout at lunch, so to save time (which I’m all about doing) I pull on my sports bra, workout top and pants to wear under my uniform. You may think this would look weird, but when your uniform is literally 5 sizes (i’m barely exaggerating here) too big for you, no one will notice. It helps to fill me out, pretend I have goods I clearly lack (and which are further emphasized by my synthetic uniform). “Yes, there is someone under these mom pants, baby pink button down and swimmingly large vest.” I ensure I have my name tag on at all times so I don’t go missing.

Pack Bag-8:10am Stuff workout towel, change of clothes and phone into backpack (you gotta keep it classy friends)

Stir-8:13am I can’t stress the importance of this. Ensure plastic Tupperware is prepared to empty contents of oatmeal into to take to work. I don’t eat breakfast at home people, you think I have time for that?! I’m not God people (just Jesus…)

Pack Lunch-8:14am Stuff contents of pre-made lunch (pack this the night before-this is an essential time saver!) Don’t forget the condiments you’ve packaged in your tiny Tupperware that you always seem to forget behind the orange juice. It’ll make you pissed off when you don’t have mustard for your wrap or to spread all over your salad (don’t judge). Maybe that’s just me….

Freak out-8:15am This helps to quicken your step when you feel like you’re fading. Hollar at your significant other to hurry up cause you’re going to be late (note: you won’t be-but the fear of being reprimanded at work assists in getting out the door)

Pour, package, grab-8:16am Remember the mantra. Pour the contents of your delicious slow cooked oatmeal into its Tupperware, package your lunch into your cute Lulu Lemon lunch bag, GRAB all items (and mentally go through your check list), shove on runners (for the gym later) and bolt down the stairs (envisioning a mass murdered is chasing you helps)

Take out trash-8:17am Yes my friends, I had time to chuck two massive bags of trash into the dumpster

Wait-8:18am I had to wait for my significant other to meander down the stairs. Refrain from getting to anxious at this point, you might snap, this is not a good nor positive way to start your day

Drive-8:19am Drive to work (it helps if you live directly next to your place of employment)

Wait-8:20am Wait at cross walk while punky high schoolers meander (grrr) across the street, staring at you through your windshield with a look like like they are about to beat you up but are really just envying that you’re old enough to drive…

Exit-8:25am Quickly kiss your significant other goodbye (don’t forget the love people) and bolt out of your passenger seat and through the automatic doors at work. Scanter across the lobby attempting to remain as invisible as possible as you enter the office directly near the kitchen and lockers. Picking an efficient entry point is key.

Prep/Dress-8:26am Push tea kettle to on position to heat up water for your tea while you dress. Pop lunch bag into the fridge and reheat oatmeal a couple second so it is perfectly steamy when you sit down at your desk. Open your locker (have this conbination memorized, you will waste precious time if forgotten). Jump into your uniform (granted it helps when it’s so big you can literally do this).

Fix-8:28am You might be slightly shaken by this point-it’s time to fix, adjust and straighten like you’ve been up since 7:10am when your alarm went off.

Retrieve-8:29am Fill your trusty travel mug with free office tea and now warmed water, carefully pull your too-hot oatmeal (the first time you heated it was only 12 minutes ago) out of the microwave.

Hussel-8:29 +29 seconds  Walk, very quickly,  to your desk, sitting down in your rolly chair and placing your home-made breakfast onto your desk.

Rock and Roll-8:30am You are on time, not too early to seem overly ambitious and not late, cause that’s just inappropriate. I’m ready to start my day, on time and with a healthy breakfast to boot!

Finish Work-9:04am If you work where I do, between now and your start time you will have had enough time to attend a morning briefing, answer the 3 e-mails in your inbox, answer 4 calls, send out last nights statistics and enjoy your breakfast.

Blog-9:05am Enjoy favorite blogs and even give your own blog a second thought-dream it will one day be as awesome as the ones you obsessively dedicatidly read.

There you have it folks, never under-estimate your own ability. I am well-practiced, but have faith, you can get more sleep and get to work on time with a little prepping and a lot of fear, panic and faking it…

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