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Looking back…

December 14, 2009

Good Morning Dolls! Hope your weekend was relaxing and productive!

About this time of year I would typically be buried under books, taking Tylenol for my aching fingers that manage to shoot out 25 page papers (often without the participation of my brain), and would be exceedingly anti-social because school work ruled my life. God forbid I didn’t re-read all my chapters again before the test. My world revolved around school (poor Connor), and I’m not sure why it was my entirety, like I would cease to exist as a decent human should I do ‘poorly’? (which by others standards was still doing pretty damn well). Regardless, I felt like my personality, passions and happiness were often sacrificed because of what I thought was the most important thing at the time-school.

It’s funny having perspective now, looking back on all those hours studying and re-studying (did they even make a difference, or just contribute to might exceedingly high levels of stress). Why I felt the need to put so much pressure on myself (it was all me-my parents have never had to bribe or push me to get my shit done), I do not know. I do it in a lot of areas in my life (if I’m honest with myself), but school is the most obvious right now.

I’m done with school now-I endured a 4 hour-long mind-numbingly boring ceremony, and got the diploma and shook hands of fist bumped Deans and Professors (yes, H1N1 nixed the whole hand shaking business right out of graduation. We were told we could pretend to shake hands if we wanted, seriously?! How do you even PRETEND to shake hands?  Wait, I didn’t learn that in my 4 years of University!). I graduated with distinction (even if it wasn’t announced on stage, see rant below). Would I have done or expected anything else from myself? Hell no. A plus of being an overachiever was getting scholarships to help pay for a tuition that cost my amazing parents three-times what other students paid. While I wouldn’t change that. I wish I lived a little more. ( Don’t get me wrong, I still attended the Keggers and visited the bars and stayed up late at night talking-but not near to the extent I wished I had). I’m not saying I wanted to have less memory of my college years cause I was too wasted to remember anything, not anything like that. I just wished I’d met more people, done more things, got more involved and had less fear of failing.

Looking back, it’s with a little regret (I hate to regret) and a lot of relief! I do not miss being in school, I don’t miss having that paper always in the back of my head, or finals looming over me like a count down to dooms day. I do miss making my own schedule, sleeping in on days and being in the classroom (which i REALLY do enjoy and miss). I just don’t miss the judgement. I don’t miss having to be judged all the time…this may be because I made school and my success in it an extension of my worth.

Those of you in school, I hope to god you do not do this. I know many of you are still in the midst of finals and paper writing, but keep remembering there is a lot of life to live and that you are much more than school. If you were like me, it’s hard to see this when you’re piled among your books and are too tired to do laundry or spend more time thinking about ways to procrastinate than get shit done. Hang in there and look outside your box! Remember to take care of yourself (I forgot sometimes).

I did think that when school was over things would just easier, like everything would finally fall into place and be “right” (whatever the hell that word means or is). It’s not, life is still confusing, it’s still work. I don’t have the dream job, that’s ok, at least I have one. I know i’ll still be judged, still have ‘homework’ to do, but it’s different now…

I won’t sacrifice myself at the feet of arbitrary things. I won’t let my worth be tied to the ‘rules’ and ‘structures’ our society erects and judges us by (body image anyone?!).

I know this was reflective rambling, but I had to get it out of my system. I’m sure you’re all long-lost by now, but thanks for the glance!…

One Comment leave one →
  1. December 15, 2009 6:11 am

    Even though I am still in school (2nd year grad school) I am able to have this perspective, but I think it’s just because I have been in school so long that I have had to make myself stop caring as much! ha.

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